Blessed.......

I know I have been terrible, terrible, terrible about writing on this thing. I am vowing to do better (Jenny, I solemnly swear to write ATLEAST one blog a week, ok?). So today my car broke down, in the middle of the road, at a red light. Yeah, what else could go wrong? Because of the way my car was acting before it died, I am pretty sure that it was the transmission. Therefore, it is probably going to cost more to fix it than the car is work, and no matter what it is, I am sure it will cost more to fix it than we have, seeing as how we only have $25 in the bank. I am thankful for this though. "Why?" you ask. Because, God seems to keep throwing these things in my way to show me that He is in control. Of the big and the small. He knows where I am going and He knows where I have been. He is there healing my past, He is waiting for me in my future, and He is walking me through the in between. If this had happened a year ago, I would have had a completely different reaction. I would have cried, probably. I would not have been able to sleep tonight, thinking "What am I going to do?". But not now, now I have complete faith that "this too shall pass." I will be glad when it does, but still I will be thankful for this trial. I will be thankful that God cares enough about me to teach me, to show me, to slow me down.

I also want to take a minute to brag on my parents. During this "crisis" today, my dad got straight on the phone in the middle of his busy day at work and got a tow truck to come get my car. My mom, without question, headed my way so that I wouldn't be alone. I know these things may not seem like a huge deal, but it just got me thinking how blessed I am to have the parents I do. Let me tell you why......

A few years ago I found out that my dad was deathly afraid of heights. Why did I never know this? Because he didn't want me to know. Why? You see, I'm an only child, and we used to go to Disney World a lot. Because I was a child, I needed someone to ride the rides with me. Unfortunately for my dad, my mom gets motion sickness and I was and am a roller coaster junkie. The bigger, taller, faster the better. My dad didn't want me to miss out on a thing, even if it meant he had to ride the biggest, tallest, fastest rides. He even rode the Tower of Terror with me, which is a person who is scared of height's worst nightmare. I mean, I can't believe he did that for me, and never once let on that it bothered him. This may seem like a silly example to some of you (if anyone is reading) but this was a big deal for me, and obviously for him. I know that he would do anything within his power, and would try most anything that is not within his power, for me (I try very hard not to take advantage of that). How many people can say they have a dad like that? Dad, I love you more than words can say, and I hope that I can love my children even half as much as you love me. Thank you for always being willing. Thank you for listening. Thanks for always giving the best advice. For always being excited for me, or sad with me, or worried about me. Thanks for sharing in all of my joys, fears, and tears. Thank you for loving me in a way that almost seems impossible here on earth.

Wait, I'm not done. My mom, oh, my mom. My best friend. My support. My encouragement. My biggest fan. I don't think there has ever been a time that I have been with my mom, that she has told me how beautiful I am or how proud she is of me. And somehow I know she really means it, that she isn't just saying it because she's my mom, but that she truly believes it. How many people get to hear that on a daily basis? What she doesn't know is, that I think she is more beautiful than I will ever be. People, especially lately, always tell us how much we look a like, and I know she thinks this is a compliment to her, but it is the biggest compliment to me. I only hope I look have as good as she does when I am her age. I haven't always been the best daughter to her, I've given her a hard time and hurt her feelings. But I have grown to appreciate her in ways I never thought I could. She is still the one I want when I am sad, or excited, or mad, or worried. I know she is my biggest fan, but I am also hers. Thank you, Mom, for being to me what no one else could ever be. Thank you for listening when I ramble. Thank you for encouraging me when you know I'm ready to give up. Thank you for being understanding when I do give up. For picking me up when I fall. For always knowing just what I need to feel better. Some of my best times have been just sitting and talking to you or hanging out with you. Like that time we watched the shooting stars, or the time we sat on the balcony and watched Alex Andrews party get split up by the cops, croutched down so no one could see us. I love you more than you may ever know.

Sorry, if I completely bored you, but I needed to get that out. Ok, so like I said, I am going to make a commitment to write once a week atleast. Hopefully they won't all be this long, deep, or sappy ;)

So I guess there is only one thing left to say.......goodnight, and big balls.

Prince of Peace

So, I am feeling much better today. I have a friend who experiences high anxiety and panic attacks, and I never really understood what she felt until now. I talked to her about it today. I explained how one little irrational thought or fear entered my head and then just festered until it was all I could think about. I couldn't eat, sleep, laugh, cry. It was so weird, unlike anything I had experienced since I was a child. Anyways, after a solid week of this, I think I am finalling coming out of it. Of course on the day I get over it, Jason and I are having issues and I had a really horrible lady come in the office today and throw things at me. Which by the way, was over a CPAP, which is a machine used for sleep apnea, which is supposed to help you actually get sleep, which is supposed to make you less cranky.....but I'm not buying it. Anyways, so it looks like the fight is still on to keep me down. It's been one thing after another, week after week. I am beginning to feel like Debbie Downer too, because I feel like I am always complaining about something, or have some ailment of some kind. I am not usually like this, so I am starting to get on my own nerves. Anyways, I went to my parents last night and ate pizza and watched TV. I curled up on the couch with my mom. It was so unbelievably needed. I feel like a different person today. It's funny to me that no matter how old you get, there's nothing like going home. Ahhh. So anyways, I prayed, and prayed, and prayed, and prayed some more last night. For peace, for understanding, for sanity!!! No doubt about it that between my parents and the Prince of Peace, I'm on the road to recovery;) So just keep praying for me as I try to find what it is that God is leading me to do. It must be big to have Satan so scared, which scares me a bit, but I think I might be ready:)

"The Will of God will not take you, where the Grace of God will not protect you"

Get behind me, Satan! (Matthew 16:23)

So, I have been having some serious anxiety issues over the past week. If you know me, you know that anxiety is not usually something you would associate me with, but on occasion I have let thoughts seep into the depths of me that wreak havoc. Most recently I have been gripped with fear, hopelessness, and doom over the "end of times". I know this sounds completely ridiculous to some of you, but for some reason lately I have just been so scared over the rapture, the antichrist, and all the things that go along with it. I AM NOT CRAZY! These things are real and they will happen, maybe or maybe not in our lifetime, but they will happen. But my concern is.......why am I scared? I mean I know that when the rapture comes I will be taken up to be with my heavenly father and I will have no more fear, tears, or regret. I know that this is not meant to be something that scares us, as Christians. And hopelessness, fear, and doom, certainly are not of God. So, the only thing I can come up with is that Satan is launching a full on attack on me. He has been doing so ever since I got back from camp. God is calling me to do some pretty amazing things I believe, and I believe that Satan is doing everything in his power to stop me from fulfilling these plans. Ever since I have returned from camp (Centrifuge), Satan has been giving me the one, two punch. First it was dischord in my marriage, then it was my grandfather passing, then it was a bad week at work, well, none of these things worked.....until now. I actually let him get to me, I actually let him get me worked up, I actually let thoughts enter my head that I never could have ever imagined I would think. He has caused me to be joyless, hopeless, unmotivated, dreadful, and faithless. How could I let him do such a thing? Well, no more. Satan, I am done with you. Last night I went on a walk with my mom, she said something to me that made my spirit's rise. It is something she has said to me before, but last night it really hit the spot. She said "Get behind me, Satan". Simple words, but wow! GET BEHIND ME, SATAN! Wow! All of the sudden I realized, I was letting him lead the way, I was letting him lead me into destruction, and once I realized this, I said "Get behind me, Satan." You have no power here, no authority here, no home here. I am a child of my Heavenly Father and He is my authority, He is my power, He is my home, my refuge, my strength. "I will fear no evil, for my God is with me. And if my God is with me, whom then shall I fear? Whom then shall I fear?" So, Satan, I've got my boxing gloves on now, so you better be ready for a fight!


This video is what I imagine Jesus is doing for me right now. He is so awesome!!!

Blog? What's a blog?

I'm not really sure why I made this thing. I mean, I have a blog on my myspace that I have only used about twice. Something about this appealed to me though, so I did it. Maybe it will be therapeutic. I am not the most creative writer and can sometimes be long winded, so just bear with me. This is probably not going to be one of those blogs that you go to to find the most interesting stories, or insight into politics and the world around us, this is probably simply going to be about me, my friends, and family. It may simply be a place to tell you what I did today (or maybe to remind myself of what I do day to day) or maybe it will be a place to vent or share sad or happy news. I am not sure what it will be yet, but that is the fun part, watching it evolve. So that's it for now, maybe later I will have something more interesting to say, until then "good night and big balls! (you'd have to see Wipeout to understand)